My wife has taken to clubs and alcohol
2 months ago, 22 Oct 03:00
Dear Bishop Kitoto,
Let me express my appreciation for your column, which I never miss. I have been married for 10 years and as in any other relationship, we have had our ups and downs.
Five months ago, my wife suddenly developed a liking for clubs, which involved going out and coming back as late as 3am.This went on despite my objections.
Our marriage suffered greatly. I even involved her close family members to no avail. Then I discovered that she had been going out with a man. She owned up and said he was a colleague but that they had not been intimate.
This hurt me and though I am convinced that there was no affair, I feel there was emotional cheating as they were communicating frequently. I feel violated since the man spent time with my wife in bars and got rides the family car.
I have forgiven my wife and we have agreed to work on our marriage. However, memories of what happened keep bothering me. This even interferes with my work.
How do we move on after what happened? How do I learn to trust again? I have never been the jealous type and always allowed my wife some latitude, but I believe it was a mistake. Thank you. D Kimani
Thank you for being a regular reader of this column.
Marriage and relationships provide different levels of connectivity for those involved.
In a relationship like yours where you have been together for such a long time, one would expect a deeper commitment based on the established values embraced by both of you.
In addition, satisfaction and fulfilment play a major part on the stability of a relationship.
You describe the actions by your wife as a sudden departure from the norm. It looks like all was well, then there came this deviation where she started going out. Habits are built over a period of time. It may be important to look at the triggers of such events.
When you deal with the issues from their underlying trigger points, this brings back some level of agreement on how marriage will be in future.
Agreement plays a major part in re-establishing connectivity and trust in a relationship. First, the two of you must agree on expectations. Unfulfilled expectations must be addressed from both sides.
I suspect that there could be areas she would feel that she failed while also feeling that there are areas you did not meet expectations.
Get an open dialogue going because disclosure is part of rebuilding trust.
Second, the two of you must have an agreement on the values you are committed to.
The betrayal of trust has two angles to it. 1) It violates the spoken or unspoken agreement a couple had in place. 2) It results in injury that comes out of the disappointments and broken agreements.
Faithfulness is the result of daily small actions that are done consistently which lead to a building common areas of agreement.
What are these little actions about your wife that bother you although you ...
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